That & This

I've been thinking about writing this for a while now as the holidays brings my thoughts back to a couple years ago when I hit the lowest of the lows in my life. As I am now the happiest I've ever been since leaving childhood innocence and entering the age of questions, doubt, and adulthood I now find myself comparing that girl to this girl and wondering what is, and was, so different.

Well... (and if you don't like a blog about me skip to the end)

Circumstance.

That girl had circumstance. She had a husband home from deployment and thus a very VERY stressed marriage dealing with said husband reintegrating. She had two young and needy children; one was not the easiest child and one was a baby but more than that, she had more work with a husband home and less help from others because, obviously, her husband was home to help (I don't blame him, he was having a very rough time learning too!!). Finally, that girl got very sick and her babies got sick and she traveled while sick. Circumstance.

This girl... this girl has learned a thing or two about marriage and she has a good one. Her babies are older and less needy. She has learned many things about health and healing. Circumstance does not daunt this girl because of the next thing that sets us apart...


Boundaries.

That girl did not know how to say ENOUGH. Enough giving of herself, enough work on her shoulders, enough doing it on her own.

This girl has boundaries.


Sleep.

That girl did not sleep for more than 3 hours consecutively for YEARS. She did not know how to deal with it either.

This girl knows how to sleep. She knows mommy needs consecutive sleep even if it means drastic measures like locking your kids in their room (with you) so you can sleep on their bed in the middle of the day while they play... and this girl has done that several times.


"Me" Time

That girl did not know how to say it's time to rest and be me. She felt guilty ALL THE TIME because it's the one thing she wanted to scream so she did take a little here and there, sort of, but not all the way... she'd still hold a child or volunteer or babysit or give... she didn't know how to take "me" time.

This girl knows every week, nay, every DAY needs "me" time. The kids need to be locked up for an hour, or two, and it's ok if they watch tv. This girl gets up every morning a little earlier to read her Bible and drink coffee alone... sometimes that means telling a child 'I'm sorry you woke up so early, go potty and get a drink but then you stay in your room until I call you out'... and then ignoring the protest.


Dreams

That girl had divided dreams.

This girl has put some dreams away for later when she has time to dust them off... and picked up some new ones that fall in line with her husband's and family's goals.


Faith

Most of all... that girl did not have BSF to encourage her to study and to make her more real with her relationship with God. She mostly felt guilty for not spending more time with Him because of all the other things going on in her life.

This girl does not feel guilt. She still has questions, doubts, and low times, but she knows it's a matter of changing the circumstances she can control... less movies, more bible studies. Less study and more relaxing. Less distraction and more prayer. Less alone time and more get out and fellowship. Less fellowship and more quiet stay at home.

That girl did not count the cost.
This girl is learning about sacrifice and reality... faith is in the little things and letting go is in the little things too.



So those are the differences I see... looking back I feel weathered and slow compared to that uptight frazzled shell of a woman. Now instead of retreating into my skin and running from the hard things I wear ME right up on top of the skin without hiding. It's caused me some problems, it's true, but I haven't been back- nor even close- to where that girl hit rock bottom since I started living more like me.

And there. The last blog of 2014 is completely (perhaps ridiculously?) about me... so perhaps I'll end on a better note:

(that end part I mentioned is here!)

Thanks be to God who sent us Jesus to save us. A true Hero who instead of killing the bad guys, He died for them. I am one of those bad guys; yet, I am perfect in my Father's eyes because of Jesus... PERFECT. Pristine, flawless, sinless, beautiful, and white silk dress perfect in the Creator of Everything's eyes because of Jesus.

My pastor on Sunday said Jesus knew He was the sacrifice and every year they went up to Jerusalem for the sacrifice He would look on the blood of the lamb and know one day it would be His blood poured out... later my daughter told me they learned about Abraham and Isaac and how God sent them a lamb to die in their place for their sin. How matter of fact children are about the things that confound adults!
How Jesus could knowingly suffer so much as a man I cannot comprehend... God, yet man!! We think of God and we think no restraints and no hindrances, but Jesus had restrained AND hindered himself when he would suffer most... so he would suffer most.
Selah.

Some day, the Hero will return on a white horse, riding in the clouds, to rescue the innocent, vanquish evil and get justice for all. Perhaps 2015... who knows.  

Cheers.