A Slice of Life

Today at work, right before we got slammed, I was mulling over many things... some of them I announced to my co-worker who was a little alarmed at the entertainment I got from simply thinking as well as the random places my brain took me to. I had half a blog beautifully written about life, love, and growth full of wit and sarcasm in a poetic way, but then all my intelligence was flushed away by rude people wanting their food now and an abundance of hungry people wanting food all at once. Its amazing how much brain power it can take to juggle making 4 different lunches at a time... perhaps it is amazing how quickly one can adapt to the intelligence level required of their daily occupation; when I first started I was often bored, still am too, even when making a lot of food at once but now I find I am less and less bored and more occupado by the monotony of deli work.

Who knew.

Anyway- I wish I could remember what it was that was so important at work. 

I was talking to my Oka-san about our husbands and it was quite amusing to say the least. I told her the story of yesterday when husband hurt my feelings and then was angry at me for having hurt feelings while I was first hurt and then thrown into a mild despair at trying to express a women's thoughts in a language understood by man. Sooner would I build a home on the moon and invent a way to travel a light-year in a second then speak woman to a man and find him understanding and kind- it usually brings about frustration and anger instead. She had to laugh because she had a similar story to tell about her husband of nearly 25 years and we both tsked at the simple complexity of a man's thinking and communication while in our hearts (I am sure, though I am assuming) we both loved them all the more as we talked and complained about them.

Marriage for me has been a difficult trial; she that think marriage in general an easy one is a fool. The first year was hell for me- full of loneliness and anger, with a spattering here and there of happiness, and a hard heart turned bitter by impatience, selfishness, and things I should not have let my heart get good at. The second year started with a decision to see husband off to the Army Nat'l Guard, which meant 15 weeks of loneliness to contemplate on empty nights just how attached I had grown to not being alone. When that trial ended, the same trials of before reappeared to cause me to almost lose hope... but for a year and a half I turned to God and either shouted at Him my hurts and distrust in His hand or begged Him for some sympathy and help.

Over a month ago, though not much more, a change started to happen in my husband. I will not say I changed- if anything I am still the easily angered, hateful, snobbish kind of girl I can be- but all of a sudden it was like my husband fell in love with me. I know he loved me before and I have a hard time believing he just suddenly learned to express it like he explains the change to me, but rather after talking with the girls at prayer about it last week I am inclined to think I am seeing the Hand of God in our life. The more I think of it the more I am in awe... even yesterday at the peak of his anger at me for my attitude (from his side of the thing) he made a joke to lighten the mood and make me smile... in only a month I have gone from feeling slightly hopeless of ever having a marriage I can enjoy to having a husband I cannot live without and even enjoy hanging out with. For the first time in our marriage we are friends as well as lovers; there is respect as well as playfulness. 

When I look back to how we got here I am still left wondering at the one piece that was missing that invisibly got put into place- I wish I could know yet I want to be left in the dark so that I can always be thankful and in awe of a God who would care enough to help a girl that yelled at Him... often.

I do not deserve His love as I do not deserve my husbands. I need both- one I can always count on and will have for all eternity and the other I am thankful to be heading into a third year (in a month) of marriage with. I feel very blessed right now.

Oh life! If only when this city drags me down to angry hysterics or when I feel as though life is passing me by... if only when creepy men call out to me or ask me for money making me feel unsafe walking to work... if only when I have a hard time communicating and miss my friends faraway... if only when death and sickness surround me... if only then would I remember the two that love me so much (and one only because of the other) and the joy it gives me to know it, I would never be so dramatically sorrowful again. 

I suppose that is juxtaposition so I suppose I shall sadly be forgetful again.

Tomorrow though! Not today. 

Today I am thankful and I am blessed.

Today I am loved.