Diary Entry's

First entry: 9/29/08

 I am thinking today of what I want from life. I know I've given my life to Jesus and the question really should be what does He want from life yet, and how should I put this, I am torn and I do not trust myself to know what He wants. In the past I have asked and I remember two times in particular that I spent time in prayer, in the Word, and in tears and I think I heard His voice (that being a figure of speech- it was not an audible voice at all but a feeling backed up by scriptures and the disappearance of confusion) on direction but both times it was like the decision to listen to that voice in my prayer closet was like I physically and spiritually tied a blindfold around my head and tried to beat myself through an obstacle course for no other reason but that I felt it was right to do.

The fact that those times I heard a distinct answer to life questions were followed by times of valley, blindness, obstacles and confusion does not tell me that I didn't hear from God but rather that I did- the straight and narrow is a much more difficult road then the way of the world. Yet even then, being a believer, if I am going against God the Spirit will make it difficult and should I or should I not take stock of how I am going against the grain? Does the grain even matter? 

The fact is when things get hard I give up. I can never get over this fault of mine (or so it seems) and it is a doozy that pervades and spoils every aspect of me. Not only that, but after a short time of revelation and repentance I blindly fall back into the cycle convinced I have changed.

 Now I am not one to sit idle or one to take the initiative if I can be lazy; the only things I want in life is to spend time with the people I love whilst living quietly and I also want to change the world and help the people falling prey to the deceiver. If I choose one I have to ask myself not only will I be content with myself if on my deathbed I cannot push aside the realization that I lived a mediocre life but also is that what the Lord created me for, mediocrity? If I choose the other I have to realize I am grasping firmly a life of separation, pain, loneliness, division, and constantly fighting myself to follow not my own ways but His. Well if i put it that way I guess the decision is obvious, but still I waver! I am too weak.

 Lord please help me to see You! To grasp tightly the cross and not notice the danger of splinters before I do. Why does it matter to me if life is hard? As long as I have You I should be grateful! Is that what it means to grow up in a Christian home surrounded by Jesus and His love, to know Him in my heart and grow complacent enough to be scared and disgusted by the cost of following Him? I have grown too accustom to the easiness of living in Grace and expect, I suppose, to have an easy life too.

 I sit here in agony of heart because I know I will sit here tomorrow facing the same decision- to make the hard decisions and not overlook the little things. I have become so much like the world I could not tell you what is my philosophy, theirs, or His.

 Grace, though, is beautiful. Even when we grow complacent and do exactly what Romans warns us not to, sin because He forgives, even then we are given another chance. A righteous man falls 7 times and still gets up, does it follow that I am righteous if I get up after falling 7 times? I think so. 

 

 I do not feel strong in my resolutions but perhaps that is a good thing because when I am weak He is strong. 

Second Entry: 10/3/08

 I am thanking God as I type for His faithfulness! It seems every point I was contemplating on Tuesday was talked over in the message on Wednesday. Following the writing of the above I physically forced myself to read my Word and pray, it was hard! Sometimes I think I need to kung fu the spiritual/mental barrier of distaste or boredom that goes up as soon as I decide to spend time with Jesus. I wonder if heaven will have stages... I mean, when you are in a city for a while and then go to the country the silence can be deafeningly painful and vice versa... I wonder when it can be so hard to fight ourselves to just get a dim glance of who He is here on earth, if we would be overloaded in heaven? I can't think heaven would be painful (though we will have tears to be dried I suppose) so maybe after the initial awe of a billion years or so He'll show us a tiny more of His glory and we'll have another billion years to be strong enough to see more... I am sure it is not an original idea.

 Anyway, I have no more answers then when I was questioning life last week but I am starting to vaguely remember my first love (the kind I had when I wanted to give my life over completely)  by spending time with Him. And there is peace.

 Also, as I was driving today and noticing the trees turning colors I thought something is only treasured when it is born (in spring we love the new blooms) and when it dies. Its entire life the tree is giving us oxygen, fruit, or nuts yet we hardly notice its existence until all the leaves die... Once again I am reminded I need to be willing to die or else I may never be of any use to my Lord. Wow that looks so poetic and romantic in theory but when I consider that I have to work tomorrow and it will be boring and if people are rude and overbearing I will most likely start swearing, I wonder if I will remember my convictions?

 In a book I am reading called "Second-mile People" Isobel Khun writes about a grinder they had in China that was powered by a stream. Whether there was grain in it or not the grinder would grind as long as the water was flowing, wearing itself out whether it was benefitting anyone or not. She used it to describe the church- sometimes there are people who just keep going and keep grinding whether they are being fruitful or not. I do not want to be a grinder working myself out superfluously, I want to always be grinding grain into flour for God! (ha ha)

 I guess time will tell.