On Wednesday my Pastor handed out a list of things to put off and put on as a believer, one in particular stuck out to me: put off bitterness and put on tenderheartedness. I have not had the guts to read the verses that go with it yet, I have been pondering the idea and it is a hard pill to swallow.
Bitterness is a safety wall, when someone hurts you if you build bitterness around you you'll be safe from them ever getting close enough to hurt you again. At least thats how it works in theory, but I find I end up building a wall so that I can cry alone and in the end pray that someone will break through and rescue me from my handmade dungeon.
Tenderheartedness on the other hand is taking an already hurting heart and purposely making it softer for the next attack... everything love is- patient, kind, not holding onto wrongs, bearing all things, hoping all things, enduring all things, not seeking its own... says that to be tenderhearted is to love and to love is to be tenderhearted.
In theory this is a great plan. I want to be like Jesus, I want to be all those beautiful things love is to me to someone else. In practice it can be just as lonely as building a wall of bitterness... the former is harder to get in the habit of but easier on the soul while the latter is easier than brushing your teeth and burns the soul into a shriveled up nothingness if left to long exposure.
Yet my soul debates! Wretched woman.
There are people in my life who I see loving with tenderheartedness and daily when I pray to be like Jesus they are brought to mind... but when I look at them I see only what I am not and wonder what is missing. Now I have one piece of the key in front of me and holding it in my hand I wrestle with tears and words to throw it as far as I can chuck it or to bring it close and tuck it snugly in a safe spot on my person, cherishing the beginning of a life without selfish love.
Little by little I can be vulnerable and I have this past week, but still my feisty tongue lashes out so that the person knows I am not completely defenseless. Oh Lord help me! I want to be tenderhearted... I want to stop building walls to protect myself and instead be Your witness when I am in pain and vulnerable.
2 comments:
You bless me, encourage me, convict me.
I should listen to that message. I don't think of myself as bitter, until I start remembering trivial annoyances connected to certain people, and find myself irritated at the thought of them. I guess that qualifies as bitterness.
Hmmm, you never seemed very bitter to me, but I think that might be because whenever I see you angry it makes me want to laugh - it's a terrible reaction, I know, but it's true.
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