This week has been busy.
We went to visit my Opa (grandpa) that everyone thought would die 3 years ago (and other family that aren't expected to expire any time soon) this week. In some ways he is already gone- he is no longer able to function at family gatherings the way he used to and things are kept slow moving and quiet around him as if we're attending his funeral and he is the living corpse. Then, at the end of every gathering for the past two years, we gather around him in groups and individuals to take pictures to mark the event... not at all unlike visiting a nat'l monument of some sort and getting proof that you were there.
Seriously I was half tempted to break out a can of spray paint and tag "Beth was here!" all over him.
It's sad because he was (is) such a vibrant man. I miss him and his always calm voice making the most unexpected jokes (well, unexpected to an innocent granddaughter) or talking about the cubbies playing soon or praying so heartwarmingly personal-like. I miss him and he's still here... and I can tell my Oma feels it 10x more than I do.
On another note- my Dad lost his job last week. What a terrible blow for a man! I don't even begin to understand the weight of providing for a family; nor the weight of self worth that accompanies not only losing income, but losing integrity in the world of potential jobs. Thankfully, my Dad HASN'T lost integrity and several guys from his job (he was a boss) have called him to tell him that.
Still; still...
And then there is a couple who finished their divorce today. They are both hurting so much! But they're both too busy watching out for their own interests and pointing fingers to find peace. I would be angry with them but just thinking of them hurts; they are in so much pain and its mostly self inflicted! Sure they've hurt each other but by holding onto bitterness and unforgiveness they have hurt themselves far worse than anyone ever could and whats worse- they are believers so they should know where to find refuge but they don't. I feel so hurt for them.
On days like today I REALLY wish I had the gift of comfort. Or understanding. Or, and perhaps mostly, compassion.
Hold on let me check...
Nope.
Still don't have any of those things.
Dang it.
And then, finally...
Today I have been having a hard time with husband gone. We are not best friends- our marriage has been a bit rocky all together. Still, I love him. Still, he is the father of my kids. Still... I am really, really, trying hard to not be dramatic about missing him over the holiday.
I even gave myself a lecture of how much harder it must be for him away from family where as I have almost everyone I love around me... almost everyone.
I'm doing pretty well I think but music is dangerous and I don't let people hug me. I can keep a pretty straight faced facade going if the melodies of memories aren't dragging me to tears and, or, if someone doesn't break down the ballast of the no-touch zone (other than frequent cuddles with my adorable kids!) that is my security of steady emotions.
When it's all said and done there is just one thing that matters- faith, hope and love and the greatest of these is Love.
Lord give me faith in Your plans! Give me hope for those I don't know how to help! Fill me with Your Love, and thank you for Love that came to rescue us from this dismal place! It is the only thing keeping me from despair- though, I do not understand at ALL why you came to this horrible place we make so wretched to save the terribly pathetic beings that are humans, I am so thankful that you did. You are the clean white snow covering the dreary discolored deadness of the fall...
Lord, come soon!
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