Middle of a thought.

Again, perhaps it is the boredom (or exhaustion or the loneliness) speaking, but lately I have a hard time valuing life. Or rather, perhaps it would be more accurate to say I am losing the desire to feel alive... The youth in my veins is draining away and I am just...

tired.

I was thinking about Naomi and how she lost everything and went through an emotionally, spiritually and physically desolate time. Sure she had Ruth, but how I imagine she wished God had taken her too...
And I wondered, was it worth it to stick through the tough times to see the beautiful baby born who would be in the lineage of Jesus? Was it God's mercy to keep her struggling along (though at the time it might have seemed quite the opposite) so that she would leave with a joyful heart at peace instead of one imbittered?
But I don't think I would've wanted to stay... even for that.

Life is hard and if it's not it isn't worth it. Laughter and love come at the price of good bye; eating and sleeping come at the price of hard work and we are always in debt, needing more and more. The cycle is unbroken and there is no true rest on this earth, though there are respites of sprit... in Jesus there is rest but my sinful nature strives against myself In resting in Him so that is not restful either.

How, then, is it worth it to stay?

For myself, I have not found the exact answer. Perhaps this is how Paul felt when He said he would much rather go... But I do know I am missing something because reading John 9 I am coming to realize life meant something to Jesus or it wouldn't have been costly for Him to lay it down. By no means do I want to belittle his sacrifice so I must say life, my life, is worth something. My life is worth a lot.

In these days of failure and constantly losing my temper and yelling at my two kids... While losing sanity and sleep and staying up way too late because I am fighting them to go to sleep until late and I just want a few hours to myself... And in trying and failing and trying again over and over and over... I have yet to find the value. At least, my value.

Bleak, very bleak, staring into the stormy waters ahead...

But then, God created light and He calmed the storms with just a word so there is yet hope to be had.