Being Honest

I'll be honest; well, I'll try to be mostly honest.
This week has been very, very hard.
It started with illness a week before Christmas. In hindsight I think we had Influenza A, but at the time all I knew was the girls were getting sick (mommy worry is on high alert) and then suddenly I was running a fever and miserably laying on the bed or on the couch one or both girls in my arms, unable to move from everything awful that comes with a high fever.

Fast forward three days, some how I've survived husband at work while the rest of us are at home sick, and getting ready for a week's absence of Christmas traveling. Somehow. Still feverish and miserable we all climb into the car to head to the in laws.

Fast forward three more days, no longer miserable and feverish but still sick and easily exhausted- not to mention emotionally exhausted from two little girls CONSTANTLY whining and needing me while I am physically at my limit- it's Christmas Eve and we're traveling from my in laws to my parents house.

Two more days later- everyone is on the mend. Finally. But we're all tired and coughing and whiney. Mommy has lost her temper a billion times, the 3 year old bursts into tears if anyone but mommy looks at her. My nerves are fried and I'm not sleeping well- partly because of the kids, partly because of coughing- Christmas went by too fast and not all that pleasantly. We're still away from home and now Daddy has gone back home to go back to work.

At this point I feel like a complete failure. My family has been sick for a week even with all my holistic efforts; I've mostly missed Christmas because I've been completely distracted by how they are feeling or how I am feeling; my kids are whiney and bratty and I can't stand them while at the same time they need me constantly; my nerves are fried and I lose my temper at any given moment...
It is at this point one of my family members steps in to tell me my temper is out of control and it scares them.

It is probably no coincidence the verse of the day on my Bible app was about a wise man receiving a rebuke while a fool rejects it, but at the time all it served to do was send me into a deep depression of hopelessness. My temper WAS out of control. I felt I was suffocating under the demands of my needy kids (they had had every ounce of me for a week, every kid in their position would have been whiney and demanding)... it was all so hopeless. That stupid temper I've fought against for 27 years gets me at my worst after only a week of illness... nothing I can do ever makes a change in it, even when I think I'm making changes. Hopeless!

I responded badly to that family member. I cried a lot. I yelled. I got angrier.

Fast forward another three days. I've always struggled with feeling worthless and the engulfing sadness that takes hold when that thought is entertained- even for a moment. Feeling, again, that I have no control over my reactions- when I know what is right, I know what my kids deserve, I know Jesus for heaven's sake! I should have His power when I am weak!- has me at my lowest. Suicide is just wanting control, at least in my case, but sometimes I feel it would be beneficial for people like my children to grow up without my bad example. What is worse- to grow up without a mom or grow up with a horrible mother? These are the thoughts I entertained. I wouldn't take pills, nor jump from anywhere high, but I thought a knife to the wrists might be slow but the best plan. Then I thought that might be too messy- what if Margaret saw? That would be a horrible memory to grow up with too.

We went to church- husband not knowing anything because he had been away from home the previous night and we had been away before that. Anyone who talked to me received angry, rude, remarks. I'm no good at lying, especially in small talk, so everyone who asked me how I am either would get the real answer and tears or anger and defense. At least I didn't cry in front of any of them, selfish, yes, but I'd rather them think me a bitch than break down in front of everyone. How weak and stupid!

Husband was fed up by the time we left church and half hour after that it all came out.

At times I think husband and I are perfectly matched- this was one of those times. He asked me straight out- who gave you the right to judge yourself? Only One has that right and He sees you as pure as Jesus (who bought you with HIS blood!). Each day is a new day.

Somehow, that was exactly what I needed to hear.

Sadness and depression is sitting at my door, I can't seem to shake it, but today I've been choosing to not let it in. The world is a dark place, getting darker by the hour. My failures are immense and impossible for me to climb out of, on a daily basis! But it is not for me to judge.

I feel like I am starting from scratch, again, with what it IS for me to do. Seek the Lord? Yes, but oh how He seems so far away! Thank Him for my many blessings? Check. Do my best to put my children first? Check, and recheck, and start over again and check.

The dark outside.
The dark inside.
The small narrow path of hope, dimmed.
Deep breath, in fact, just keep breathing and don't entertain the thoughts.
Bought at a price, but bought. Bought! Focus and refocus on truth.

In the end I cannot focus on my problems, not even for a second. I get so easily engulfed! I must always focus on hope and the Love that loves me, purposefully making steps to do what is right. Falling, hard and low, but getting back up (don't stop to wipe off the mud!) and stepping after the right again.

This week my heart fell hard and very very low, but, I got back up and focused on truth.

That has, and always will, made all the difference.