Thursday.

I know some people were mad at me for my last post and some people were really worried, so here is a follow up.

Let's see... that was Monday (right?) so today is Thursday and every day crawls to the end, feeling like a year. It has been a battle these past few days- I feel so depressed and just sad, even when I know I should be happy. I keep telling myself I was stupid to write what I wrote, it was just me being overly dramatic and silly as usual... but that isn't true and the moment I try to dismiss it with a lie a barrage of questions and lies bury me in a flood. Like when you open the junk cabinet you keep saying you'll clean out but instead just keep adding to; it's that last little piece of junk that causes the whole caboodle to overwhelmingly fly at the unsuspecting cabinet opener. I guess that's what happens when junk gets pushed aside until later...


There is this stubborn statue of a girl inside me who keeps me sad. She makes smiles heavy and she is brimming with tears anytime I let my mind think (as it always wants to) 'this is just too much, you have no joy here'.


Today, though. Today is different.

Today started out difficult with disappointment from friends and Margo being a bit nit picky and so very full of questions and arguments all the time, but I handled it. Then Ella only took an hour nap (at one years old she NEEDED more) but still, I handled it and for the first time in three weeks I was able to get some real cleaning done. Then we all had tickle wars, I spent time reading to the girls, we all had dinner together, did bedtime together, and slowly in the midst of enjoying it and thanking God for it I started to think- I would've missed this. 

In my head I've been battling the elements of insanity and self-worthlessness, an uphill battle. But in that moment, instead of fighting the thoughts and climbing up hill against the wind and rain, I stopped to look back and realized I can look at it as escaping a tragedy. I don't have to be daunted by the climb, I can be encouraged by the storm I left below; the thing I left behind.

I am thankful for pudgy kisses and snuggles; bright eyes who "just want their mommy". I'm thankful for a husband who loves but is on the complete OPPOSITE side of emotions (I sometimes wonder if he has any haha) and for a friend who is brave enough to buy me coffee and talk. I'm thankful I can still laugh. I'm thankful I can still talk to God.

Life could even be called good in MANY ways; I don't know why I'm so sad and struggling.

This has to be the slowest week of my life, but it is crawling along and I think it might even be getting better.

*DISCLAIMER*
Yes, this is how I feel and it may be too raw and personal for the internet... maybe. I am not good at putting what I feel into words verbally; I get lost in what I'm saying sometimes (I dizzy my own intellect, who does that?!) and I lose words and can't complete sentences. But when I write... it feels different. Haha, I wonder if it really is though.

Either way, there is accountability in a public account of your thoughts. Putting it out there keeps it from being bottled up. It helps a little.

So that's why I write. Not to get your attention, not because I think I'm all that and you should read it, but I know someone out there has struggled, or is struggling, just as I am and perhaps we can encourage each other.

And I know the grammar is horrible, but oh well. The thoughts in my head are not grammatically correct either.