Being Honest pt 2

Stopped at a stoplight yesterday I was thinking about war and how I wish the christian war was physical and not mental and spiritual. I am not able to fight these battles, I give in too easily and I get lost in all the lies my own head tells me... but if it was physical I would know I could see with my eyes, there is the enemy, pick up a weapon and fight until I died. The mental battles are so difficult to fight because I don't know the lines and I don't understand my weapons (prayer and the Bible)... even the Word was used against Jesus when he was tempted, who am I to discern scripture?

A friend of mine gave me a book this week. I recommend it to everyone- whether you're struggling or not- it's called, "The Prayer That Changes Everything, The Hidden Power of Praising God". It is all about how worship and praise of the Lord is crucial; in fact, it is why we were created! We were created to worship the Lord... 

My thoughts on this are jumbled, but I've really been blessed by reading it. The verse that has stuck out to me is in Isaiah 61:3 "...put on the Spirit of praise for the burden of heaviness...". What a relief this well known verse is to me! I've read it countless times, but how applicable it is to me now! A weapon I can grasp, praise! 

After reading that last night I applied it- sometime between 4-5am when I was laying down again after my 4th time getting up with one of the girls in as many hours, my head attacked with words of useless, worthless, hopeless... but I countered with "Lord I praise you for who you are! Thank you for loving me!" and that's all I said. After a little while I fell asleep.

It's strange; those thoughts have been common my entire life. Elisabeth is worthless, hopeless, useless, always failing, even failing in failing... where IS the Holy Spirit in her?! What kind of Christian is she to even struggle with these thoughts?! That's exactly why people come to Jesus- but she has known Him awhile and still knows nothing, there is no hope for her. 

The strange part is, I bury it thinking all the while it is truth I just don't want to face. Why do I think that is OK? It comes out again when I have a hard time or when I don't have my life lined up perfectly like when we were all sick and I was at the end of my rope. They are all lies (heart tells me they aren't, but they are!) as much as the serpent twisted God's words in the garden they are truths (after all I'm a sinning human, not perfect) twisted by lies.

I am thankful for learning, at least starting to learn, how to combat the lies by praising God! 

The other thing that was a revelation to me was Psalm 22. I have always read it as a prophecy of what Jesus felt on the cross, but last night reading it dawned on me that when David wrote it he most likely wasn't thinking "this is prophecy for my Savior", he was thinking and feeling those things to the depth of his being! Ah David, so dramatic. Phew- what a relief I am not alone in the dramatic mood swings. There is one lie struck down- I am not the only crazy person who has ever struggled dramatically... sometimes my head tells me you're just making this up, you should shut up, smile and stop looking for attention! 

True- I should just shut that voice up and turn my eyes to the Lord. Jesus, I'm sure, would not want someone to say of the person he paid for with his LIFE "she is worthless, etc" so thus I have to say, that's a lie! Counter it with praise. Even praise music, but only if I can sing it because just listening leaves too much thinking room for lies. 

So that's that. I could go on and on, but already I feel like Orual giving her defense before the judges in "Til We Have Faces", naked and reading from one scroll that just keeps repeating the same story over and over and over. 

Truth will prevail; Lord strengthen the feeble... well, me! ;)