For years and years, ever since I can remember, I've wanted to be a momma. When I got to baby bearing age all I wanted was a husband so that I could fulfill my dreams- but "God had something else for her" to quote a treasure box on my dresser and after two years of marriage I realize I hardly know anything about love and living well and my desire is now equally mixed with fear. Still, I am impatient and want what I want darn it (stamps foot) so I know it was God's provision that even though I begged husband, and was sometimes quite rude about it, we didn't have any ideas of a baby for two years.
Finally, though, it has come and there is a being inside me. (!) Selah... I am so scared and excited and happy and trying not to worry all at once... when I consider the idea for a moment, how God is knitting together a person in my womb I am filled with wonder and for a second my heart completely thanks, loves and stands in awe of such an awesome God. Not that I don't on a regular basis, but there are times in life when for a second I realize I have no idea how amazingly He works and I catch a glimpse of what my soul will do for eternity... but only for a second- I am too selfish of a being to understand for much longer.
That is what I tried to think of this morning when my body woke me up at 5:30 so that I could be sick. How kind. I thanked Him for the sign of life and the encouragement that something is actually there and then tried to eat some food my stomach was screaming for but that tasted like chalk in my mouth. It is ironic, being pregnant, because my body is always hungry yet the moment I think of food I am disgusted and fighting a desire to feel sick. It is only in the morning that I'm in danger of really being sick, but the rest of the day it is a constant mind game.
That combined with actually being sick (results of a weakened immune system combined with an overnight camping trip in the rain and 30-40 degree (F) weather...) has made today a day I would rather not have lived.
Still... while I died on the couch trying to sleep off the pain my husband came home and having woke me up he crawled on top of me and whispered "you're pregnant! There's a baby growing inside you!". That made it all worth it.
He has been so kind today it makes me cry- running errands and taking care of me the moment I ask. There is nothing like fatherhood to change a man- or in my case bring out the real man who has been hiding underneath the shallow survive-my-sucky-job-and-watch-tv-till-I fall-asleep guy that lives around here lately. Its just a mask he puts on when life itself becomes shallow- I think that is the greatest challenge as a believer in America, to live deep when society demands you live shallow to survive. He has definitely proven he is greater than society.
So that is the news, it is quite enough I think. We are trying to buy a house and plan for the future so everything else- like japanese, cooking (ew! who wants to cook when sick?), reading, knitting, and so far laundry and house cleaning too... have fallen along the wayside. Hopefully the excitement will settle down a bit and I can stop being such a whiney sick person.
I sneezed at least 4 times while writing this, the painful stop what you're doing to wash your face off kind of sneezes. Bummer.
2 comments:
In addition to your writing you'll need to include pictures so we can watch the transformation. Thanks for this encouraging note.
congratulation!!!!! as for the stomach i found that if i always had something in my stomach, ie: eating every two hours, that it helped a lot! if i waited till i was hungary then it was to late i would get sick , even though my stomach was growling... aren't pregnant bodies weird? have fun with it though... it only lasts 9 months :D
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