The Reality

"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance." 1 Cor. 13:4-7

We had this read at our wedding nearly 4 and half years ago. At the time when I told the pastor we wanted 1 Corinthians 13 read he gave me a look that said "really?" and said something about it being common; I think he thought we were more "seasoned" Christians than that... if only he knew now how much I fall back on these verses, how often I repeat them to myself in an effort to find hope in my marriage.

No its not that bad, but we've entered a disconnect stage which will shortly be followed by a long (can a year be considered long?) absence and then, I shudder to anticipate, a reintroduction to society made all the worse by coming home to a one-year-old child husband will not know and who will not know him.

When things are hard for me I run away, ignore, cry, throw fits and eventually do whats right. When things are hard for husband he locks himself in a cocoon of self and quiet- expecting others (especially those closest to him) to work around his bubble and understand him without communication on his part. Eventually it ends in a fight or we ignore it til it disappears... I suppose this time it will be ignoring deployment until it is over with.

Love is not easily offended- it is not irritable and keeps no record of wrongs; love never gives up nor loses faith... It falls on my mind that I must not love him because in these hard times I am the antithesis of all those things. A little glimmer of light shines though- I often feel I have given up on my marriage but it must be a lie, it cannot be the whole truth, if I am sitting here once again going over 1 Corinthians 13 in tears and agonizing over my lack of love for my husband. A woman who has given up would not consider what her Savior thinks about her lack of respect for her husband and would not go to the bathroom just to pray over "... the wife must respect her husband" (Eph. 5:33b) when she'd much rather tell him what for. I suppose my struggle is my hope, as little comfort as that is.

Thankfully, God is even more gracious and has put many dear people in my life who encourage me, pray with me, and love me when I don't deserve it... that is a much more tangible comfort.

The fact is I wear a smile to church, plan play dates and prayer groups, try to be positive and nonchalant about deployment and the way my entire life will be turned topsy turvy, but marriage is hard and I wonder if this is really worth it more often than my friends or family know. At least, I hope they don't see how often I struggle to do whats right... I hope they only see me making right decisions but perhaps that is just pride.

This is my confession.
I struggle, but I AM struggling... and that is all that matters I think.
I hope, as I've decided to honestly share and work through this openly (somewhat) that it will encourage you to also keep struggling with whatever you are wanting to give up on (for we all have something!).