I'm sure you're not interested in this but I want to think you are right now.

What a day. I should be in bed, I am exhausted, but I am too lonely right now to sleep.

Today started with driving to my sister's house an hour and a half away (with traffic) because we were going to go raspberry picking. We piled all three kids- 8weeks, 9 months, and 2 years- into the back of her car (barely) and drove a sweaty drive to a hot and sticky picking in the heat of the day.

Unfortunately the car died.

20 minutes later, because the ladies inside this ma pa overpriced berry farm apple orchard couldn't leave the indoors to give us a jump, my brother in law and his dad came to rescue us. Of course it wasn't that easy- the battery and alternator needed replacing and we only got as far as almost getting over a busy bridge just enough to have the car fit on the yellow lines with traffic on either side of us. Fortunately God saw to it that the kids slept through it, even without the car moving! :)

So. There we were, the kids, my brother in law and me. My sister had to go with her father in law to get the parts because the car couldn't hold her and my brother in law wanted to drive in case something happened; which it did.

It wasn't bad though, we had a good laugh over how it could have been worse but how we came right up to and touching the worst it could be.

On a side note, I like my brother in law a lot. There are 4 reasons, going backwards- 4. he makes good omelets 3. he is easy to talk to 2. he reads his Bible often and he lives it to but the #1. reason is he makes my sister so happy and has revealed a certain side of her, a girly motherly side, I don't think anyone knew existed (except God who of course arranged the whole thing) until my brother in law swept her off her feet. Because of that my sister and I are better friends I think and I really look up to her as a mom, wife and homemaker. They make me happy because they are so cute and happy together, really one of the sweetest couples I know.

After all that, a short trip to pick berries turned a 4 hour debacle, my sister and I made jam and took care of kids (I think she did the most work actually even though I have the most kids! haha) and then I drove home.

The drive home was just music, sleeping kid and quiet but refusing to sleep baby, and memories of past drives on that road created from taking it to or from something. When the city lights appeared it was a little sad, almost like reality in my fast approaching future when I was so enjoying the might have beens and the oh yeah that happeneds of yesterday. They disappeared again coming around a bend and then suddenly I was in the city and then home. Everyone was going to bed so I had no one to hold the baby so I could shower and no one who wanted to listen to my day (though my mom did try); as much as they help out (which is a lot), my parents, siblings and friends all have their own lives and its hitting me that I am alone.

No one wants to worry about the kids with me, stay up with me, go through the future, make a home with me... for this next year I am a guest in my parents home even though I live here and I am a single mom even though I have lots of help. Most of all my life is on hold; my friends are far away and nearly every attempt so far to stay connected has not panned out or been emotionally and physically draining.


But don't worry I know it is only a year, this is only a season.
I am feeling the hard part of being a wife of a soldier deployed right now but I am not feeling sorry for myself, just realizing some of the hard things... when people ask 'how are you doing with deployment' it is impossible to really tell them there are a million emotions and new challenges everyday. Even when we get to talk on skype or chat its hard- usually, I'd say 80% of the time, husband will contact us at a horribly inconvenient time like right after we're grocery shopping and everyone is falling apart , naptime when I really needed to rest, or at a busy festival when I braved it with just me and the girls and stopped to nurse the little one... you may be able to explain the difficulties that arise like that but not the emotions and stress that come with it.

Leave is coming up, about 2 weeks away now if all goes well. He was the first to go on leave and I was not excited about it because it was so soon and I wanted it more in the middle but I think I really want to see him NOW and just be held for a little while... to be reminded that someday I won't be doing the parenting thing, the home running thing, the spiritual battle thing, the making memories as a family thing by myself... and to stop pushing aside all the feelings of 'he is missing this' for a time.


Right now I just really don't want to go to bed alone again.
Forunately, when I do, tomorrow will be a new day.