Midnight

Midnight around here lately consists of me wondering what kind of super human powers I must have (and wishing they were a bit more superhero worthy) to survive as I do on so little sleep.

Margo has been skipping naps or fighting them til it is too late for mommy to rest at all and Ella wakes up at 10pm... I thought recently but glancing at Facebook status' I realized it has been for weeks... and snacks and plays until midnight when I force her back to bed and wait her out in the living room.

I've been thinking about the definition of romance. Generally speaking, if I were to glean synonyms for the word off of what I see in movies, songs and even books in American pop culture they would be impatient, headstrong, passionate, senseless, selfish.

Not a very romantic description of romance.

Fortunately, I have my own ideas to glean from and my synonyms would be patient, enduring, trustworthy, kind, detailed, strong, unselfish.

That being said- the army has made our marriage romantic again. :) I suppose, as hard as this is getting, that is a good thing coming of waiting for husband to come home. Husband no longer writes me love letters as he did before we were engaged, but he does send me a text almost every morning just saying hello. Lately it is not hard to tell he misses me... which, with my husband, it is hard to tell any sort of emotion (other than annoyance and anger and even then I don't always see it) but that is one of the things I hated and loved about him when I first fell in love with him. It was, and is, hard to tell if I hated it or loved it one over the other.

Also on my mind a lot is death or rather life in the balance of death. I stand in the middle of a seesaw of thought: life is just waiting for the hammer to drop because everyone, and all love and happiness, has a post it sentence of death on their foreheads (I can't remember where I stole that analogy from) or constantly realigning my thoughts to life is a battle for the Lord- live for Christ and His glory.

To die is gain- I am starting to realize this emotionally for the first time in my life.

Yeah, I want to protect my children and be with them always but to be honest I still think to pray for a thing or a person is righteous but what will be will be whether I am here to pray for it or not- I cannot protect them or make them make good decisions regardless. Really all I can do is daily struggle- physically, emotionally, and spiritually- to do my best and look forward to the day of true rest.

I'm not suicidal, though perhaps it sounds like it. I am not that brave nor that cowardly; funny how certain acts can cover the extreme of both ends of the spectrum.

But I am tired. Tired physically (always), emotionally, and spiritually I am constantly battling myself and my laziness and want of entertainment to make myself be quiet and still and wait for the Lord. It is a vicious cycle- I am tired and lonely with not much of a break to refresh so I am antsy and busy in my short quiet times with God so then I get Spiritually tired which makes me more lonely and makes it more difficult to be quiet  and still before God...

Kevin is coming home for another two weeks next week (he is out of leave after this so hopefully home for good is not too far down the road, maybe August) and I am looking forward to a break and a breath of fresh air.

Difficult- that has been life lately. Yet... the chick has a difficult time breaking through the egg; the sea turtle has to struggle to get to the ocean; the baby comes after labor... something is working itself out in my mind and heart and I think in my husband's too. Difficulty can be good.