At 5:30am my internal alarm went off 10 minutes before my actual one (which was nice since I was snuggling a cuddly baby who would have also woken to the latter alarm) and I got up to make husband some lunch.
At first I thanked God for waking me up when there really was no logical reason for it but then I realized I have always had an internal alarm that pretty faithfully goes off when I train in for only a day or two. Then I praised God "for I am fearfully and wonderfully made" and that is not something I have been thankful for often or ever, really.
Sigh, I don't think my heart is conveyed accurately in that portrayal. With 4 hours of sleep (the extra half hour is void considering I had to get up once to nurse Ella who is still working on teeth) my imagination can not put into words how loved I felt this morning when it dawned on me that God made me for something... good! I've definitely believed the sinful nature in myself; also the corruption and evil and most days, I would say I am mostly good for nothing always losing my temper and saying the DUMBEST things when my heart is touched and not to mention I am uuber forgetful and even my long standing friends have been called "what's their face" because I forgot their names.
But this morning, I felt loved. God loved me and intricately made me special with gifts to use for His glory. I used to think that sounded so narcissistic and petty- God giving one gifts so they can serve Him. As I get older I am realizing how much hate and horribleness there is in the world- even the best kind deed is blighted by a sinful nature serving another sinful nature and, oh heavy heart, no one can be truly good on their own.
That leads to my biggest fear that sometimes, on at least a weekly basis for as long as I can remember, grabs hold of my mind and spirals faster than you can blink so that even my breath gets caught and my body reacts- is my life here worthless? Not am I worthless, such as the above, but after I die, for it is such a short life we can expect on this earth, will there be anything long lasting that remembers me? Will it even be worth it that I was here or am I just fuel for the flame... another breathe putting a hole in the ozone?
Yet, serving a perfect God, even imperfectly, in love, our deeds are given meaning and weight.
That aside, I have to admit my relationship with husband has been very loving lately. We talk every night; he talks my ear off and he listens too. Every night he comes home and plays with the kids- ready to put them to bed (which is the task he has taken on after I had a melt down at 11:30 with a stubbornly awake kid in arms several weeks ago) even when he gets home after a 14 hour day of work like yesterday.
He also bought me a birthday present that came two days ago a whole week in advance. Today I found out he bought me multiple. Perhaps you get birthday presents from your husband all the time, but it has been at least three years since husband got me something like this... he is not a bad guy in general but on my birthday he has been known to do things like give blood at the hardware store he spent all morning at because he knew I would appreciate it... and it gave him a discount at the store. Perhaps that will give you an idea of WHY I am so very thankful and happy and excited about these gifts- it makes me feel so loved.
So this morning I went to listen to a podcast from our church, brimming with thankfulness at being loved (and this morning feeling loved- two different things but when they coincide...) by my God, thankful for the way He made me, and feeling loved by my husband who though exhausted had a good attitude for me, and encountered full-on-hatred. Not from the church podcast, but from some reviews recently written by some people I know who hatefully lash out every few months because they felt personally hurt by something that happened years ago.
Talk about a sucker punch to the gut.
I do not understand how people can hold onto such hate for other humans. Sure, I lash out at my husband when we're fighting but I've never held a grudge for years like that... I mean, I know rapists who hurt my family members and my friends and I haven't said mean things about them as this person said about our church.
It is a marvel, a sad disgusting mystery, how people can be so blind and mean.
Ah well, now the kids are up (standing in separate rooms screaming at the top of their lungs to see who can be louder- thinking back I know I did those things and thought them great fun but now I wonder why) and a second cup of coffee is asking me why I didn't go back to bed for half hour... I remember now, it was because I was so happy I couldn't.
Life is NOT good, but God is. Faithful whether there is good or bad and all things that come from Him are good.
I am enjoying, ecstatically loving, our family time and especially my husband.
I am truly thankful for God's love in loving, giving me people to love and be loved by. Ah, amore! :)
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