The last time I sat down to write a blog it was late at night so I saved it to review the next day before publishing, but before I could my sister had an ultrasound and we found out her son Samuel had died in the womb and she'd be birthing him the next day.
After that I revised that blog several times but I could never bring myself to publish it... my struggles may be real but they are nothing when eclipsed by death and loss.
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The more it weighs on me the more I wonder, and worry, perhaps I have everything about my salvation wrong. Perhaps I have been kidding myself this whole time... grace isn't enough, I'm not enough, perhaps I don't really have the Spirit. I'm too tired and have too much to do in the 45 minutes of naptime a day... what homeschooling, homemaking mother, with a one year old and a puppy underfoot, has time to soul search and scripture browse? Much less, brain cells to apply to that specific task? Even without it though I can say the fruits of the spirit have found a drought in my soul... there is no green leaf in drought here, just drought.
But recently my toddler's teeth have relented their gnashing and the big one year old boy has started napping for almost 2 hours a day! In the quiet, while the girls happily escape school to play outside or in their room, I've had more time to read, study, and soul search while I yet have functioning and fully awake brain cells (which cannot truly be said of the night hours).
Today, with the news of a family friend most likely in the final few days of life, I opened the Word to Psalm 77:
I cried out to God with my voice
To God with my voice;
and He gave ear to me.
In the day of trouble I sought the Lord;
my hand was stretched out in the night without ceasing;
my soul refused to be comforted.
I remembered God, and was troubled;
I complained, and my spirit was overwhelmed.
That's exactly how I've been feeling:overwhelmed, troubled, and not comforted. I've wondered, often, am I doing this living thing right? I'm currently in that survive mode of small children, hectic schedules, working til exhaustion for the next day, and all this work is for... more surviving? As if any work pretends to have influence or control over our survival?? As if anything I do will prevent the sudden death of my children or myself... so what IS all this work for, then? When I remember God I'm troubled to think I could stand in front of Him tomorrow and hear "you missed what life was really about"...
...will the Lord cast off forever?
And will He be favorable no more?
Has His mercy ceased forever?
Has His promise failed forevermore?
Has God forgotten to be gracious?
Has He in anger shut up His tender mercies?
All the questions I think only someone who doesn't really trust Jesus would be asking... here they all are in the Psalms plaguing someone faithful enough to be recording them in the Bible...
And I said, "This is my anguish;
but I will remember the years of the right hand of the Most High."
I will remember the works of the Lord;
This is my anguish. This is my struggle... I'm not the only one who struggles with these questions, these doubts, this constant battle between faith that I cannot see and the heavy weight of death visible all around.
But remember God.
Surely I will remember your wonders of old.
I will also meditate on all Your work,
and talk of Your deeds.
Your way, O God, is in the sanctuary;
Who is so great a God as our God?
You are the God who does wonders;
You have declared Your strength among the peoples.
You have with your arm redeemed Your people,
the sons of Jacob and Joseph.
The Psalmist remembers God's amazing power, glory, faithfulness, and loving kindness to his ancestors. Selah.
I don't know that I really have a conclusion, but I was reminded when I read this that it's a relationship. I was encouraged to see the questions plaguing me were also the anguish of another person's heart; they don't necessarily mean I'm a hopeless basket case... though that's not off the table. 😉 Most importantly, I was reminded to remember God...
The waters saw You, O God;
the waters saw You,
they were afraid;
the depths also trembled.
The clouds poured out water;
the skies sent out a sound;
Your arrows also flashed about.
The voice of Your thunder was in the whirlwind;
the lightnings lit up the world;
the earth trembled and shook.
Your way was in the sea,
Your path in the great waters,
and Your footsteps were not known.
You led Your people like a flock
by the hand of Moses and Aaron.
Remember.
Cheers.
1 comment:
Once again I am encouraged and moved by your honesty and ability to relay some of the deep struggles. God has gifted you in this arena, thanks for sharing!
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