Every morning since Friday I've woken up drowning in depression. There is nothing worse then hope deferred and every night as symptoms of labor draw closer and my body gets more unbearable I stupidly hope "maybe tonight"... but in the morning I wake up just as before; knowing all the day has before me is walking until everything hurts, feeling ugly and puffy, either hiding at home or braving a public that ALWAYS has their own stories and comments and (with an aghast face) "when are you due?!" questions. I can not think of it- I only hate God.
Logic can be the greatest enemy of faith and logically there is no point to this. There is no logical reason for this pregnancy to continue on and on, the baby is ready and only risks new dangers now where as I grow more helpless at every day functions- my latest one being breathing- every moment she stays inside. Logically I can only assume a God of love has a plan and a perfect day for her to be born, but He is also a cruel God that faithfully allows hardships for the growth of His people. This is beyond growing, I cannot- no matter how I try- find a way to be thankful for anything at this point; all I can do is try to still want my baby... this is beyond love on every level- now it is just a sick joke. When He cursed the woman He cursed her well.
As Orual stood reading her book over and over cursing the gods and eventually found the lack of rightness in herself I know I also stand naked saying a God of love would not do this when what is lacking in the situation is my own fault, yet the revelation only brings tears- it does not make things more bearable. At least if I yell at God someone is to blame. When I stop yelling and come to the conclusion that it will change nothing there is only the despair of another day passed weighing down on me like the cloak of darkness on a moonless winter night. A heavy weight it is; to accept the fact that today I will struggle, tonight I will go to sleep with hope, and tomorrow I will wake up and fight the same battle because nothing happened.
The worst part is Father's day came and went and husband did not get to hold his daughter. Curse those people who encouraged my thought that he would be able to- it was heartbreaking for me.
I'd like to end saying God have the glory of today; I'd like to leave you saying I know He is loving and faithful and true and just because in my humanity I do not understand why He is allowing this to drag out does not mean those three things are in any way untrue or tainted; but I only know those things should be and not that they are. My heart is hard because I do not understand and because anger is so much stronger than tears... if I believe all that about Him (which in my heart of hearts somewhere beyond all this I know I do) then all I can do is wait and cry when it is too much. It is too much.
1 comment:
Aw man that is lame. Hugs! My friend just had her boy and he was over a week late so I can imagine how you feel. Let us know when little one arrives!! How excited you'll all be :)
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