Nearing the end.

Well, here I am... tomorrow is only 16 days from my due date. I am so not ready but my body says I was ready sometime ago. All of a sudden it is physically torture to be pregnant yet when I consider my situation, living in a basement and facing relocation in only 9 days (if all goes well!), I am not sure which would be better or worse- to be pregnant or not to be, that is the question.

After a night of hardly any sleep I took a two hour nap and woke up having nearly completely lost control of my emotions. With tears only barely held back, only God knows what they are for, I've set about organizing my affairs and cleaning what I can. My pastor's wife says it may be the nesting desire meeting a woman without a nest; it makes sense to me.

Thinking about it though, with my worship music on and praying over dirty dishes (well, praying while washing dishes, not over the dirty dishes ha ha) I realized I am thankful-truly and not just because I know I should be- to be living in the basement here. I feel like opportunities like this one, when I could be really depressed and feel it yet am choosing to not be as best as I can, are preparing me to be the mother I so desperately want to be more than anything else can. As if in order to survive with all this unknown I've had to choose to go crazy or grow and praise God, looking back and hearing from people I respect, I've chosen the latter.

Now, though, we near the end. I think I've told you my propensity to throw away the things I work for at the very end, to give up when the goal is within arms reach, and this learning experience is no different. Husband has been such a blessing the last couple weeks; he has really tried hard to do well and overcome his selfish times to give unselfishly to his wife, but there are still areas to work on and suddenly I find my tongue is biting and nagging him again in a way I've worked so hard to suppress. Four letter words bite him a lot at the end of the night when I am tired and every part of me hurts... oh Lord help me finish well! The new race we will beginning as this one ends will be even longer. I need to learn endurance!

If I haven't said so before I have to say it now- I am so very blessed to be living with my Pastor's family. Husband plays with the kids so naturally and it blesses my heart (and somehow makes him sexier) to see his daddy side coming out... I can't wait to see his daughter in his arms! I also love observing my pastor's wife. She is often the opposite of what I would be and it used to be the reason I held to not like her, but now I feel like everyday I am being sharpened... almost like seeing another person's interpretation of Who Jesus is and putting together a more accurate picture from it. Its really very cool.

But I ramble.

Here are some more pictures from my shower a month ago taken by my talented cousin Sue. If you can believe it (since not all of you see me on a regular basis) I am much bigger than this. It seems my belly will fall off these days...

The amazing cake!! Yes those are little fondant babies!! My sister is talented- kudos to Kris as well.

The basketball... now a beach ball.

My beautiful sister Melody in her work uniform... ironically she works in the ER and takes care of sick people... ironic because she was always the one who went to the ER as a kid.