I could perhaps write a million blogs about my baby... though no one would find it as interesting as I do. I don't think I ever loved before I saw her face; whenever she is around I cannot help but watch her and love her which usually leads to excess kissing of fat cheeks and an over abundance of high pitched baby talk.
Every once in awhile though a thought stabs me through the chest (wow, though, thought, and through all in one sentence)- how am I, a sinner saved by Grace and struggling to remember why I am in this world on the best of days, supposed to raise a daughter? How does one who struggles with morals teach morality to someone who is watching them constantly? When I am so easily blown off course, fall into emotional pits of despair often, and sometimes yell at God for my own faults, how am I to teach a young impressionable beauty that there is more to this world then what we see; that to love the Lord with all your heart, soul and mind is everything one could wish for?
Yet all these questions could fall under "worry" and I know what God says about that... what can it do? He has us taken care of.
I have been reading the Psalms to my daughter every day (or most every day- we are not perfect) and it has been a journey. On Sunday night husband was away from home and I had an awful time of spooks- partly because a salesman came by offering security systems and ever since then I have had many too idle of thought wander to the what ifs of not having a security system. The following morning I read Psalm 140, the number just popped in my head, and it is titled "Prayer for Deliverance From Evil Men". Ironic? Well I thought on it and was discouraged by my own lack of faith and started contemplating all the questions above.... much too much. The following day, before I opened my Bible, I thought- 'I should read Psalm 143 today' and lo and behold that one is titled "An Earnest Appeal for Guidance and Deliverance". Twice in a row is not coincidence.
All that to say, the last couple days God has been answering the worries of my heart. I of course had to search them out and the voice was small but it is real... its not often that a "real" answer comes to me so vividly.
Still... I am still dealing with unforgiveness and bitterness... and I think I need to learn to incorporate the small times of faith into my relationship with my husband. He is a good man, and a GREAT father, but we have our issues as everyone does and he more than anyone makes me happy(though Maggie ties with him on that), hurts, encourages, discourages, and annoys me. Awwww... husbands are wonderful lol.
3 comments:
Yeah - I can't imagine all of the worries and fears that comes with bringing a life into this world. But I can see that as long as you go back to God, then you're teaching little Maggie the best lesson you ever could... how none of us are perfect, though we should strive to be and most importantly of his abundant grace and forgiveness.
I love how He truly does "gently lead those with child". He is so gracious to us moms. Perhaps we get better at hearing the still, small voice as we learn to parent through instinct. I know I depend on Him more and more as our family grows. The more I grow in parenting and marriage, the more I understand the nature of God and how absolutely desperate I am for His help and guidance.
It really is a privilege to be a mom, isn't it? I need to remind myself of that more often, I think!
Yes, husbands are pretty great.
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