We're coming up on another drill weekend and a crisis of faith... I always have them when husband is gone. The crisis is this: I am scared to be alone. More accurately, I trust God to take care of me, but I also know He lets bad things happen to believers so the crisis is, do I trust I am in His will no matter what happens to me? Good or Bad? My biggest fear is that someone will break in and I will be asleep and helpless to defend myself or protect my baby but really if I trust God then I have to believe He has plans for the good and the bad, nothing can happen to me that He does not allow so if something bad happens its because He allowed it and knows I can get through it... whats that verse about God only giving us trials He knows we can get through... though really its almost ironic (if you're struggling with trusting Him) because that means He'll send you ANYTHING since you can do all things through Christ (Phil 4:13). (haha, I'm talking myself in circles now)
So that's the crisis. Two drill weekends this month, though the latter one overlaps into next month, and then two weeks of AT coming up... and no Atli is no comfort because he is more of a coward then I am. One time Husband came home late and walked upstairs with the lights off but when he got to the living room Atli heard him and walked within 4 feet of him before he noticed Husband and then he ran yelping and screaming into the bedroom where I was as if he were going to die. Because he saw a shadowy figure in the dark.
If I think about it I'm sad because I used to be fierce and determined, though fear was always there, I stared it straight in the face and baited it- I loved to be alone in desolate places.
Then I got married.
Really, though, its not sad because Husband is my covering and we are one so if half of me is missing, and that the half that protects me, no WONDER I'm scared... but I don't think that dismisses my lack of trust in God through good and bad, no matter what He allows.
For awhile now I've thought God didn't just let bad things happen to Job, He was able to use Job as a witness of Righteousness by circumstance... what better calling then to be proven faithful enough to be tested? But then I am not Job; I'm not even equal to his wife; I'd have been cursing God when the first camel died... oh geesh, you are pathetic woman.
Well anyway, that little girl I was sad about died and I don't understand at all. The closer I get to death the more I am afraid of it, not for death itself but for what I leave behind. Its embarrassing to admit; I mean, I am a christian and all but I don't seem to be heavenly minded... have you ever noticed yourself in this mindset reader? Please please tell me if you have, I love my family and I don't know how I could say good bye to my little girl unless she were coming with me or I going with her... yet I want to be proven faithful enough to be tested, how do you learn to trust God?
I think I'm going to legally change my name to Thomas.
1 comment:
When I was pregnant with you I used to beg God at night to just let me see your face and then He could do whatever he wanted with me. Then when you were born I would ask to just see the next step and the next. Then Brad died, and I saw how God uses death. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. It does, but I also saw God do amazing things in this midst of his death. Good things from God though don't cancel out the hurt and missing him.
Do you know, I met someone online a few years ago that came to Christ through the memorial service for Brad in Germany.
We can prepare our hearts for the hard times, but I also believe that God gives us what we need in the midst of trials...not before....not after, but he wants us to call on Him in the midst of them. Even that thinking though is a bit flawed.
I'm tired and not making good sense with my words.
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