I've been fighting with my husband a lot, or he's been fighting with me, but either way lately it seems our marriage is all encompassing and not in a good way. I've been keeping it to myself mostly, which is not too hard when your social network is church on Sunday, facebook or talking to your Mom, but I think even then I've kept how depressed I am to myself- at least not letting anyone in to help me through it.

Just now a friend called me to pray for her because she is going through some major stuff; real stuff too, not the kind of stuff you make up yourself like fighting with your husband and feeling depressed about it. The thing is, I would usually pray for her right then and there but when she told me what was going on all I could do was cry and say I'm sorry... everything inside me screamed 'you have nothing to offer, you've pretended all is well when it isn't and now when someone needs the Hope inside of you its suddenly obvious that Hope is quenched and buried and you don't know how to dig it out...'

Makes me think it really isn't about our marriage or the finances or any of the stupid things we fight about, its about Who is winning... or losing. Lost in my own world (again) and too embarrassed to admit a seasoned christian is (again) falling in such petty trials I just hide... from my neighbors who don't know Jesus or see a reason to, from my friends and family who look to me as an example, to my husband and daughter who I am called to serve and raise up in His love. Who is winning? Who is losing...

Mon Deiu! How easy it is to forget.

Well, my face is dirty so I'm going to go wash it; stand up, brush the dirt of my knees, step forward towards the door and right now I choose to... well, I choose to take up arms and start fighting! There is a battle and its not the one I fought this weekend, its the one I lost this weekend!

Praise God in the end, no matter WHAT I do (for better or worse) His grace is sufficient and in the end (since we know the end, just not when we're going to get there) He wins!! Thats the great thing about life... it will always end in Revelation with Jesus reigning... whose side will you be on?