Just another emo blog about girly stuff I suppose...

I don't know when I became such a bitter woman, was I born this way or did I let it develop into a habit, then a science, and finally an addiction I can't control?

A few weeks ago I decided to start memorizing scripture again and I put 1 Thessalonians 5:15-18 up in my kitchen where I will constantly be glancing at it. It says:

"Make sure nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always try to be kind to each other and to everyone else. Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is Gods' will for you in Christ Jesus."

I read it every day and when it gets to the part about wrong for wrong I think of that driver who was on my tail and driving me crazy yesterday... who I then cut off and tailed to make a point... or in bigger issues how my sister in law and I haven't spoken to each other in months because of a fight... or how rocky my marriage is right now; in the end I walk away unable to memorize something that goes against the issues in my heart. WHY?! I don't understand why this simple christian stuff is so hard for a seasoned christian to grasp! Forgive as you also have been forgiven... which is while we were yet sinners Christ DIED for us... geesh, its not like I need to die, just forgive, that should be easy in comparison!

But no.

This is not easy.

I think I should have started with an easier verse, one that doesn't attack the core of what I've kept away from the light so I don't have to deal with it. Like Golem in the mine I am hiding my bitterness behind my back and when I think God isn't looking stroking it, petting it, and treating it as a precious thing...

Even describing it like that I can't forgive! I don't want to! How vulnerable... I can't look my husband in the face, smile and say in my heart I'm not holding his wrongs against him when I know if I forget them I am just going to be hurt again and again and again. I can't look at my sister in law and pretend she didn't say all those things about me as she is pretending she didn't...

Though, I can't say this angry defensive stance I've taken isn't painful and lonely, so I guess I am not exactly protecting myself either.

Oh I am so tired of this! I have gone through a batch of cookies, brownies, and two half eaten quarts of ice cream putting this off the last two days and now I have everyone who has treated me badly back in my every day life and here I stand, either choosing bitter defensive loneliness or vulnerable tearful forgiveness which is the only choice with a light at the end of the tunnel... though I fear that light is only hope and will forever be hope and never reality.

Well, for the sake of my waistline, but more importantly because I've surrendered my life to Jesus, I am going to go seek out forgiveness. I think it will be a day of tears, but in the end it is all about holding onto fear (of being hurt) and anger (because I was hurt) or CHOOSING to love the Lord and let it go.

Sometimes the easiest answer IS the right answer.