History

A blog I wrote a week ago...

 

Submissively with patient eyes he watched me condescendingly, I tried to blink back tears- the embarrassing kind that even disgust yourself while your face turns red and your lips and teeth get all confused with each other so that your words come out slurred and undignified.

 "I love you but I don't want to be hurt" I said.

 "Thats the chance you have to take with love, you will be hurt when you love someone" he replied.

 "Its not right! Thats not how it should be!" I exasperatedly spat back.

 Brushing his hand by mine as he stood and gently but impatiently kissed my forehead, "thats why we need a Savior" he sighed.

 That was the end of it then; no flash of lightening or a lightbulb above my head, just a simple statement that washed away the fight. In the end it came to I love you but I can't; you love me but you are unable; we need each other but can't stand each other; but all these twisted half pictures that never make a whole can be put together by one person: Jesus our Savior.

 

 The sidewalk scrapped pleasantly against my damp shoe as the bells tolled nine in the morning and I walked to work. Re-running the scenerio through my head, trying to piece together truth and conclusion with emotion and action, the ladies were disbanding and in a volley of feathers and coos flew off the gold domed courthouse amidst the raindrops and sun-rays sneaking through the grumpy clouds. A man in a suit nodded to me as we passed each other in the street, I smiled, I looked at the ground, sighed, looked at the sky and inhaled deeply the refreshing smell of spring and a refreshing shape of mind.

 

 Growing is such a messy business. Realizing you love people more than you thought you did, finding friends and lovers and realizing you are powerless to hold them close and protect them... or even get a long with them half the time. It is sobering; it gives me the strong desire to sit quietly and stare at the sky feeling alive while my insides scream angrily and swear horrendously at my incapability. 

 I would go crazy, and sometimes I do, but for one: Jesus my Savior. Thinking, without Him, is a downward spiral of hopelessness.

 When I kissed my soldier husband good-bye for more training again then saw those people smilingly protesting the war I was angry and hurt- I wanted to slap that woman who looked at me kindly, asking me with her eyes to agree with her sign that disrespected my lover. Instead I smiled back and with my eyes I asked her to cry with me but do the right thing... we both looked away.

 I understand where she is, war is wrong in every way possible. Still, injustice happens and in this fallen world we must fight and war with each other; we must kill ourselves for truth or worse live day by day a battle for rightness that will never be achieved... taking 1 baby-step forward so we can watch the world around us fall 3 steps back all the while trying to love them through their hopeless state...

 Impossible, but there is Jesus. He sees right through, He is the rightness that humans can never recreate in and of themselves, He is the one step that you can never fall back from. Inhale deeply a refreshing state of mind, the smell of spring.

 

 It all comes back to this when you feel incapable, when love fails, when the world is falling apart, when you realize your heart is being taken piece by piece to places you cannot follow- that is why we need a Savior.

 

 Jesus, I need you. Thank you. Thank you... my Love.