Peace Reigns Again

Once more by grace I have found an answer to my heart's turmoil and somewhat of an understanding. As gradually as I fell into confused depression, again, my heart was relieved piece by piece of its load again. It is a much shorter story than the list of my many unanswered questions and shorter than the many arguments (mostly being arguments with myself) that plagued my brain so I hope you are encouraged a little.

It started when I told my husband everything, well mostly everything, that was going on in my head. We talked about the past, the future, the now, and the non-existent and then we had a fight that I was sure, when we were in the middle of it, would end our marriage then and there. Yet God showed us His love and did not forget us and somehow we came out of it and I learned some things again: 1) I need to forgive like Jesus; no memories stored in a cabinet to hang on the line when we fight again, no picking at wounds he inflicted so that I remember how he hurt me or try to protect myself in the future, just plain forgive and forget. 2) I need to spend more time pondering and consequently acting on what it means to trust God in my marriage. To submit to Him is to submit and honor my husband... and when my husband is making some big mistakes to trust that we are still in God's hands and they are capable. No fine print, no red tape, just faith.

Marriage aside, I am a failure at life the more I look at it and every time I think I've got somewhere past the fact life never fails to show me what a loser I am in so many ways. Besides that there is so much I want to do for this dying world that needs Jesus so much, but I am stuck on my marriage and my failings so that makes me a triple failure and I was getting caught up on it. Then I found this verse in Corinthians: "And He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness."" I knew this verse and in my head ramblings it had come to me, but somehow reading it in print was an eye opener. "Perfect in WEAKNESS", man, if thats all I need then I am the strongest in Christ. ha ha... no, but seriously.

Grace is something I get caught up on a lot. It is just too simple of an answer. Though I am a simple girl, I guess it must be true that I like drama and complexity... I am always trying to be smarter than I am capable of. Grace simply doesn't answer all my questions... but it does. If Christ's strength is made perfect in weakness then all I need to do is turn to Him with all my failings and realize its not that I can do anything, but that He can do all things.

I guess the simple truth of it is that I think once I grow up a little I can do it all by myself but the truth is life is one bike that in order to ride I will always need my "daddy's" hand holding the back of the seat and guiding me... keeping me from falling. I will never be good enough to do things on my own, even the smallest of things, and it is only when I try and fail that I get discouraged. Jesus, I need you! Now I understand.

So, recap: I fell in the same pothole I always do, Jesus pulled me out like He always does, I made people worried and I was a real meany... but things are looking up, please forgive me.

Grace to you!