The Box- a memory and contemplation.

This is an old blog I half started one day but never finished... I find, in stumbling upon the forgotten thing when cleaning my hard drive, it once again encapsulates my feelings and thoughts. This weekend was a long one: lots of traveling, little sleep, bickering with husband, smiles and discipline for Maggie, laundry and dishes... and then yesterday was one of those days when suddenly the things you've been pondering in your heart start coming from an other's mouth and you realize, again, God is real and there and loves, loves, loves you!

. . . .

Today my relationship with God is... how do I describe it? I was sitting on my couch, watching the snow fall and in between just being quiet and trying to be still in thought I would ask Him for things and talk to Him about things I don't understand in my typical childish way. It seemed as I talked that my words flowed like ribbons through the window and up through the clouds to eternity... but they did not connect with anything. I know He was listening, He promised me He does, and I know it was worth doing and that He loves me whether I speak nonsense in ribbons or stumble upon womanly wisdom... but still...

Still it seems like I held the truth in a box today. I held the box but I didn't quite understand what was in that box. I know a truth but I don't understand it, it does not permeate. I am grasping in my right hand a pill, I ingest it, but it does not dissolve in me.

Some time ago my pastor told a story of a woman who is in jail for murder. She had adopted a child with an allergy that no one knew about and through circumstance this kid became sick and died because the mother misread the symptoms and didn't take him into the hospital in time to save him.

He then read 1 Corinthians 4:7-18 which is an encouraging thought provoking read, but in particular these three verses stood out to me:

Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet our inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.

. . . . .

Perhaps that is the answer, the box I hold is not to be opened here. Perhaps that is the difference between the here and now and eternity; ribbons of prayer have connection because we have faith that they do, in eternity we'll see, hear, and touch- dare I say we might touch??- God.

Now we are perishing, in a world of fear and injustice, yet we're renewed day by day... look at the things which are not seen.

(here I can't help but smirk)

Look at the things which are unseen.

In the end, feelings come and go, but God is not based on them.

Pray because He is there, not because I feel He is listening.

Pray because this is but for a moment, though it feels like an eternity.

Pray because God has taken our affliction, Jesus has made it light, though it feels unbearable at times.

Faith is to look at the things which are unseen and believe they are there. That makes no sense at all, but right now, in this moment, I've never been more sure of any thing as I am of that.